Tuesday, April 2, 2019

My Story

On December 7th, 2018 I faced my worst nightmare.


I started having contractions, which progressively got worse. I didn't really have any concern, because I have always had normal, healthy pregnancies. In fact, I had seen my doctor the previous week and everything was fine.

After some time I decided it was time to go to the hospital. I was thinking that my labor would be stopped and I would go home, since I was due in January. After being put in a room, my contractions were now well above a 10 on the pain scale. I started to grow concerned when the nurse kept moving the fetal heartbeat monitor around, like she couldn't find a heartbeat.
She found my heartbeat. She told me mine may be aligning with my baby's, and she would have the doctor bring in the ultrasound machine. After two different scans, I was told my baby girl had no heartbeat.

I had my fiance by my side, and we were both flooded with shock, and a feeling of "this is not really happening". I faced so many emotions, I do not know how I made it through. The intensity of despair, longing, and asking "why" is enough to make you feel like you are just going to fall over and die.
After another couple hours, I got to meet my beautiful baby girl, Wynter. She looked perfect. There was nothing noticeably wrong with her, and test results revealed nothing as well. My heart hurts when I think of the fact that I didn't get to take my baby home with me. That is something I never would have guessed would happen to me.

The entire first month after I lost Wynter was torture. I cried almost constantly, I couldn't sleep without medication (and still have trouble), and my mind replayed that day over and over. I couldn't stop my thoughts, and I felt like I was going crazy. All the "what ifs" and "whys" are certainly enough to drive any bereaved parent crazy. It just doesn't make since why someone so young, and so loved can be gone in the blink of an eye.

I got to the point of realizing that I had to make a decision to live a good life. I had to choose to not let grief make me bitter, and forever miserable. With hope and faith in God, I have climbed out of the darkness of despair.

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