What it's Like to Lose a Child

Sometimes we have no control over death.
Sometimes, in certain situations and/or circumstances we do.

If you are in that situation, where you have some control, this is for you. If your addictions cloud your judgments, this is for you. I want you to see your life from eyes other than your own.
Some choices in life are up to us, so aren't, but you know when they are....

Your life has a greater effect on others than you may realize. A couple hours of pleasure is not worth causing someone you love a lifetime of pain; especially when you don't know if that one time...or that one last time....will be your last time physically here on Earth. The truth is you never know. It comes down to what risk you are willing to take.

I believe losing a child is the worst feeling that can be felt.
The feeling cannot be accurately put into words, but I can try my best.
The word despair has no real meaning until you truly experience it.
Despair is not normal pain...it is a pain you feel deeper than imaginable. You feel it deep in your soul. It almost always physically hurts. You feel it in your chest. It makes you feel like you will die yourself from emotional pain. It makes you feel like you can't go on. It makes you feel crazy. It makes you wake up in the middle of the night and not know what to do. The longing makes you cling onto anything you can to keep your child a part of your life, knowing that there is so much you will not get.
It makes you forget how to live a normal life.
A normal life is really not achievable at that point. You must find a new normal, in order to continue living without a child you brought into the world. You will forever long for the day that you will be reunited with your child, and that day comes when God chooses it to come.
You may crave something when you don't have it, and it may feel unbearable. Imagine craving the touch, voice, or even just sight of your own child and having no way to experience it. Imagine all the people who love you so so much crying over your lifeless body, when you could have made a choice, or gotten help and still been here today. That craving is much more sever than any drug craving, and cannot be satisfied. A drug craving can be easily satisfied, but craving the presence of a lost love one will not be fulfilled until death.
A mother would give anything for her children. It doesn't matter how bad of a situation you are in. That is what unconditional love is for. Love that strong can save your life. You just need to accept it. Love that strong doesn't judge; but love that strong can lead to destruction. It can literally destroy a person.
If you are lucky enough, you can use that love to save your life. You can also make that love forever painful beyond words.

I completely understand struggle. I understand how hard life can get. I understand how easy it can be to only think of yourself.
There is a point in life where you must start thinking of others and your effect on others. In a matter of seconds you can ruin someone's life, whether you mean to or not. Your life can go in a matter of seconds. Life is so fragile, yet so meaningful. Sometimes that meaning doesn't some until it is to late. No words can describe holding your own childs lifeless body in your arms, wishing you could trade places....feeling like it is unreal...feeling like you could go back in time...feeling like DEATH.
So all in all, if you can make the right choice, PLEASE make that choice!

Finding a New Normal After Grief and Loss

Sometimes, I don't want to find a new normal. I feel like a kid having a tantrum to get what they want.
Too bad that doesn't work.

The only logical choice is to find a new normal. If not, there's nothing but misery.
It is very challenging, and impossible for me without God's help. The struggle is as real as real can get.

Bad things happen to the good and bad alike. There's no discrimination, and God doesn't give any reason as to why bad things happen to good people. Read the story of Job. He takes away everything from Job, and he never gave him a clear reason why he did it.

Life on Earth is just not fair, and that's a fact we have to face.
My choice I have had to make, is to find a new normal in my life.
A new normal where I won't get to meet Wynter again until I die; something that I never thought I would have to experience.

It is NOT easy, it is not simple, and it may not be possible to achieve on your own, but finding a new normal is the only way to navigate life happily. It is possible through God, and without his strength I would be lost.

Living a new normal doesn't mean that you forget about your child. It means that you live your life with joy, and by keeping the memory of your child alive. There are many ways to include your child in your life. I like to write about Wynter, and help others who have experienced similar losses. I will celebrate heavenly birthdays, raise awareness on the reality of stillbirth, and join with others to push for more research as to why this happens.
I would like to start a foundation in honor of my daughter to help families who have just lost a child.

A new normal to me means to incorporate the person you lost into your everyday life, but create something great and meaningful from the pain. Ask God to lead you on a path to use your pain to find meaning, and follow that path.

Letter to a Bereaved Mother

Dear momma:
My heart hurts for you, I wish I could be there with you to hug you, and cry with you. The road ahead is difficult to travel, but you are never alone. Family is a great support, and God will never leave your side.

Momma, don't blame yourself; don't get plagued by the "what ifs". I guess things are going to turn out the way they do, and that's just the way life is. I understand the dark place you are in right now, and I'm here to use my light to help you through the darkness.

Momma, you have a powerful light as well. Everyone does; it comes from God. It is a great gift we all have, helping other people. Unfortunately for us, our light comes from the hope, faith, and a dependence on God we must have to survive losing a child.

The light IS hope, faith, and God's power. We can find joy in the fact that when it is our time, we will be reunited with our children. We can choose to have faith that God will get us through our worst times, and that HE is our strength.

Dear momma, hang in there. Take it day by day, and let yourself grieve as long as you need to. Let God carry you through the darkness, and then use your light to help another mom through her darkness.

The True Pain

I believe stillbirth is misunderstood by many people. Sometimes it is not looked at as a "real" loss, because the baby spent no time outside of the womb alive.

In reality, having a stillborn baby IS a real loss. A baby in a mother's womb is just as alive as you and me. When you give birth to a baby that has already passed, you grieve the loss of a child. The bond between a mother and child is formed from the first pregnancy test. Grieving the loss of a child is the worst feeling. It really brings you to an emotionally awful place.

The true pain is losing a child you love deeply. It is longing for just one more moment with them. It is despair, and lonely. The true pain is knowing that you won't celebrate a first birthday, or see that first smile, first steps, and just seeing your baby grow up. It is leaving the delivery room with no baby, and always feeling that a part of you is missing.
The true pain is days and nights of crying, and feeling like you cannot go on.

The pain is very real; pregnancy and infant loss should not be looked at any differently than any other loss. They all take a piece of our heart that won't be filled, until the day we meet again.

My Story

On December 7th, 2018 I faced my worst nightmare.

I started having contractions, which progressively got worse. I didn't really have any concern, because I have always had normal, healthy pregnancies. In fact, I had seen my doctor the previous week and everything was fine.

After some time I decided it was time to go to the hospital. I was thinking that my labor would be stopped and I would go home, since I was due in January. After being put in a room, my contractions were now well above a 10 on the pain scale. I started to grow concerned when the nurse kept moving the fetal heartbeat monitor around, like she couldn't find a heartbeat.
She found my heartbeat. She told me mine may be aligning with my baby's, and she would have the doctor bring in the ultrasound machine. After two different scans, I was told my baby girl had no heartbeat.

I had my fiance by my side, and we were both flooded with shock, and a feeling of "this is not really happening". I faced so many emotions, I do not know how I made it through. The intensity of despair, longing, and asking "why" is enough to make you feel like you are just going to fall over and die.
After another couple hours, I got to meet my beautiful baby girl, Wynter. She looked perfect. There was nothing noticeably wrong with her, and test results revealed nothing as well. My heart hurts when I think of the fact that I didn't get to take my baby home with me. That is something I never would have guessed would happen to me.

The entire first month after I lost Wynter was torture. I cried almost constantly, I couldn't sleep without medication (and still have trouble), and my mind replayed that day over and over. I couldn't stop my thoughts, and I felt like I was going crazy. All the "what ifs" and "whys" are certainly enough to drive any bereaved parent crazy. It just doesn't make since why someone so young, and so loved can be gone in the blink of an eye.

I got to the point of realizing that I had to make a decision to live a good life. I had to choose to not let grief make me bitter, and forever miserable. With hope and faith in God, I have climbed out of the darkness of despair.